Dwelling on the paradox of home, as I have been, I’ve been searching my footage for stills that I think best visualize its conflicting nature. I’m not sure if what I’ve included above, comprising one tilt shot, is necessarily the best; it just had the unfortunate fate of being near the beginning of the footage, which ultimately became the criterion for inclusion. Originally I was planning on talking about the contrast of the visuals in these images, the beauty of the sky that evening that wouldn’t be possible without the biting cold that the snowy landscape represents, how this is a metaphor for simultaneous positive/negative connotations of where I'm from, how I wish the blacks of the image weren't so noisy (more visible when you see the video). But after having gone through each shot once again, I'm wandering in a different direction.
The first time I saw my footage, my mind crept into a dark cave to hide. I didn’t think that any of it was anywhere near adequate, let alone good, and I beat myself up quite a bit about it. Besides a lack of quality I thought that there were so many more things I could have and should have shot. There was the night I was driving my mom and sister home from work during a snowstorm, and the flakes were the biggest I’ve ever seen, nearly half the size of a dollar bill. It was gorgeous, and I feel that the film stock I was using probably could’ve captured the flakes that flurried through the streetlights. Of course by the time we were home, the storm was over. Or there was our sad little Christmas tree, a free item given to us by my aunt (free Christmas trees are somehow used to incentivize her work as a realtor) which is the closest I’ve seen a tree, in spirit, come to that of Charlie Brown’s:
Or there was my parents faces, their physical features, and the material objects that make them who they are. I wish I had some of that, though in that case I would have had to explained what I was doing.
Focusing on these things I don’t have, though, has made me realize what I do. There is some usable film footage to work with, but there’s also a whole swath of content that I’ve captured with my phone. Videos on my phone are not film, and they may not share the same quality, but it’s possible that I could incorporate some of what I captured with my phone over break. Whether this would be jarring for the viewer is unquestionable, but it has the possibility of being jarring in the right way. While much of the audio I recorded is family drama, some of the videos I have reveal brief spurts of spontaneous happiness and joy, which is something I feel is missing from the project at the moment. As much as I drone on about family conflict and destruction of what is maybe too idyllic a vision of one’s origins, there are happy moments too. Moving forward, I hope to find some lighter moments to shake things up, lighten the tone at times, and provide a fuller picture of my winter break and experience at home.
Street in St. Paul, MN. iPhone still from video of dancing in the backseat.
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