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Sleeping with a Friend: Sex, Friendship, and Love in "When Harry Met Sally" and "Sleeping with Other People"

Spoilers for When Harry Met Sally and Sleeping with Other People.

When Harry Met Sally (1989), a now–classic film, has plenty of references to other classic love stories, from discussions of Casablanca (1942) to the Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald oldies on the soundtrack. Interspersed throughout are talking heads of elderly couples sharing their love stories, marking the pivotal points of Harry and Sally’s story. At first, the pair is positioned as complete opposites — Sally the high–maintenance optimist to Harry’s smarmy cynic — yet as their friendship develops, their vulnerabilities and compatibility gradually come to the fore, and the two prove endearing and funny in equal measure.

But first, some false starts. The film begins somewhat stereotypically, trapping Harry and Sally in a car driving from Chicago to New York. Their initial antagonism and the question they debate — Can men and women really be friends? — are just red herrings, however, that mock the forced antagonism of other rom–coms. The road trip that might have taken ninety minutes in another film is over within fifteen, and Harry and Sally separate with no expectation of meeting ever again.

Nevertheless, this is a rom–com and they are reunited twice more — during a flight five years later, picking up their disagreement right where they left off, and then a third time five more years later, after both have just exited serious relationships. This time, they go to lunch, unpacking their respective breakups and finally agreeing to be friends. Although both are getting over their exes and have no intention of dating, the film hints at what’s to come — the beginning of their friendship mimics Harry’s dating pattern that he described earlier, getting a “safe lunch” together before going to dinner, as the film’s theme, “It Had to Be You,” plays unobtrusively.

© Sam Valadi / CC BY 2.0

What follows is a montage, both morose and comedic, of the pair moving on from their breakups and wandering New York City together, while a phone call between them is heard in voiceover. The sequence ends with a split screen as they watch Casablanca on the same channel from their respective apartments. Although the contrast between Sally’s cheery bedroom and Harry’s dreary one reflect their differing personalities, the scene emphasizes their compatibility and connectedness. The couple spends much of the film seated across from one another at various outings, filmed in shot–reverse shot, but here they are side–by–side.

Although their determination to remain platonic complicates their eventual romantic feelings and delays their happy ending by a few months, Harry and Sally’s compatibility is underscored by their friendship. They are brutally honest and courageously vulnerable with one another, sharing details of their romantic trials and sex lives, including the iconic scene in which Sally fakes an orgasm in a diner to prove to Harry how easy it is. The film’s ultimate message has nothing to do with whether men and women can be just friends, instead demonstrating that the best relationships begin with friendship.

Sleeping with Other People (2015) has a very similar premise and structure, to the point that writer–director Leslye Headland described it as “‘When Harry Met Sally’ for assholes.”¹ In it, Jake and Lainey, who lost their virginity to each other in college, reunite twelve years later after each has gone through a bad breakup. Both are serial cheaters who sabotage all of their relationships — Jake because he is cynical about love and too immature to just break up with his girlfriends; Lainey because she keeps going back to her neglectful recurring fling, Matt. Although it also asks whether men and women can be friends, the film is similarly disinterested in answering that question, but for different reasons.

Jake and Lainey admit to their mutual attraction very early on in the movie, but agree not to act on it, determined not to sabotage their nascent friendship. This accord is followed by a montage of the pair growing closer that mirrors that of When Harry Met Sally, including the split screen at the conversation’s end, the voiceover updated from a phone call to a text exchange. Yet while Lainey is shown getting over Matt, Jake continues his womanizing ways and the split screen of the last shot expands to fill the whole screen to show his departing one–night stand, out of frame while he spoke to Lainey.

Although Jake and Lainey have similar issues with commitment and even, it’s suggested, sex addiction, only Lainey is shown actually overcoming her problems, finally standing up for herself against Matt and applying to med school, a long–delayed ambition. Jake, by contrast, remains the same for much of the montage and the film, rarely opening up to Lainey, only to suddenly realize that he’s in love with her. Lainey reciprocates, but neither acts on their feelings — she’s moving to Michigan for med school and he’s afraid to ruin their friendship.

© Sofiamoreiralima / CC-BY-SA-4.0

Jake’s static character development is epitomized by the scene where he teaches Lainey how to masturbate, using a plastic bottle to demonstrate. Instead of mutually learning about relationships from each other, as Harry and Sally do, Jake instructs Lainey about relations with men and herself, placing himself in a position of mastery. He does not change so much as realize that Lainey is “the one,” a concept whose existence he spent his entire adulthood denying.

This is the one of the main differences between the two films. When Harry Met Sally is dominated by its leads and the growth they experience together. Rare is the scene that isn’t an intimate or important moment for the two, as they come to terms with their flaws and their love. Significantly, Harry and Sally watch their best friends Jess and Marie fall in love, an undeniable reminder to snatch up a compatible partner when you find them. In comparison, Sleeping with Other People distracts from its main romance with other flings and its secondary characters tell Jake and Lainey what their flaws are, instead of showing them. The movie is a little grittier, a little meaner — in its portrayal of its characters, the framing of New York’s streets, even in its EDM soundtrack and movie references (The Graduate (1967) and Misery (1990)). Although both films share a similar message — the importance of friendship as a foundation for love — and feature a happy ending, the former is a cleaner depiction, emotionally and filmically, while the latter isn’t afraid to show life’s messiness, even if it confuses the narrative.

¹ Nick Allen. “Sleeping with Other People.” Review, September 11, 2015. https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/sleeping-with-other-people-2015

Revisiting "The Social Network"

Spoilers for The Social Network

Over ten years after being lauded one of the best films of its decade, David Fincher’s 2010 film The Social Network, with its sleek directing and punchy dialogue courtesy of Aaron Sorkin, still proves an engrossing watch. The Shakespearean-esque drama flashes between the founding of Facebook by Harvard sophomore Mark Zuckerberg and two lawsuits that occurred a few years later, which respectively accused Zuckerberg of stealing the idea for Facebook, and of pushing his co–founder Eduardo Saverin out of the company.

© Charis Tsevis / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

The film’s Mark Zuckerberg is socially awkward but egotistical (never a good combination). The screenplay describes him as “a sweet looking 19 year old whose lack of any physically intimidating attributes masks a very complicated and dark anger.” He wants to be the smartest and coolest in any room, wants to be liked and admired by everyone, but in lieu of affection, he’ll accept their jealousy, to the point of presuming it in everyone he meets. Erica, Mark’s fictional girlfriend, puts it best when she says:

“You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you’re gonna go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an asshole.”

When Erica tells Mark that she just wants to be friends, he tellingly responds, “I don’t want friends.” His inability to connect to others is self–inflicted and he can’t stand it either when those close to him have other friends. In one scene, he approaches Erica while she’s out with friends, invading her night with them and trying to get her alone. Later, when Eduardo reveals that his emotionally manipulative and abusive girlfriend Christy frightens him, Mark unfeelingly replies, “Still, it’s nice you have a girlfriend.”

These slightly sympathetic, painful moments of failed connection are both undermined and underscored by Mark’s ruthlessness. He constantly drags down his friends to his level in an attempt to put himself on top. The film implies that he spread a story that Eduardo committed animal cruelty to discredit him and called the police on his business partner Sean Parker after Sean partied with underage college students. After Erica unceremoniously dumps him, he creates Facemash, a website where undergrads can rate female students’ appearances, judging one girl against another like “barn animals.”

Altogether, the film presents Mark as pitiful but reprehensible. Yet its execution is muddled by its admiration of Zuckerberg’s ingenuity, or rather the ingenuity of his creation. One has to wonder how many men have come out of The Social Network wanting to emulate, not condemn, its main character. Nevertheless, it stands to question if Mark even is the genius of the movie. The idea for Facebook originates after a conversation with Harvard seniors Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss and Divya Narendra, the plaintiffs in the other lawsuit against Mark. It is Eduardo who provides the initial funding for the site, his roommate Dustin Moscovitz who inspires the famous relationship status feature, and Sean Parker who attracts investors for it. Even Facemash, the closest he gets to a truly original invention, is inspired by a roommate’s idea and a creation of pure cruelty and childishness that depends upon an algorithm created by Eduardo to work perfectly. Mark may be intelligent but he’s also as unoriginal as he is impulsively cruel.

Mark’s real skill seems to lie in his ability to use and discard the people whose ideas and money he is deploying. Of the entire cast, Erica is the only character who cuts Mark loose before he can do the same to her. She exists as both a voice of reason and a white whale for Mark, framed as the reason he works so relentlessly on Facebook. Like most of the female characters in the film, all of whom are supporting characters, she is subjected to casual sexism by Mark and other men. Most women in the movie are glorified window dressing, background props objectified by the frat guys and venture capitalists around them as an implicit condemnation of these male characters and the toxic culture of the spaces Mark inhabits throughout the film.

Yet the movie is guilty of the same mistreatment and objectification as these men, and not once are any of these women or their experiences with misogyny treated with true gravity. The nearest we get is a seconds–long close–up of Erica in tears after being taunted by some male students for her bra size, which Mark has mocked online.

For all of its slick, masterful packaging, The Social Network’s condemnation of Mark is obscured when it fawns over his intelligence and revels in the toxicity of his ambition. It also stands to mention that the real–life Mark Zuckerberg began dating his wife, Priscilla Chan, around the time of the events depicted — ironic considering Erica’s centrality in Facebook’s creation and the treatment of women throughout the movie.

Mark Zuckerberg at South by Southwest in 2008. © Jason McElweenie / CC-BY-2.0

The film’s last scene further muddies the waters. After a grueling day of depositions retreading his vicious ousting of Eduardo from Facebook — at one point, Eduardo bitterly spits, “I was your only friend,” while Mark glares back, silent — Marylin, Mark’s lawyer, tells him, “You’re not an asshole, Mark. You’re just trying so hard to be.” Here the film, via Marylin, invites us to sympathize with Mark and his conflicted, boyishly vulnerable expression, despite the reprehensibility we have seen on display, despite the confirmation yet again of how self–inflicted his anguish is.

Yet sympathy does not seem to equal redemption. Or perhaps we’re meant to pity him instead. Left alone, Mark pulls up Erica’s Facebook page and sends her a friend request. In a chilling last shot, the screen fades to black as the Beatles’ “Baby You’re a Rich Man” plays and Mark refreshes over and over, hoping that Erica will accept his overture. Having watched Mark get in his own way every time he neared something resembling human connection for two hours, having watched him refuse what he needs in favor of what he wants, we know better.

Duplicity and Darkness: Human Nature, According to Fargo

Spoilers for season 1 of Fargo.

“This is a true story.” The first episode of Fargo begins with these words, superimposed over a sweeping landscape whose few signs of civilization — a thin road, a telephone line — are overwhelmed by the wintry wilderness and shrouded by the night. The lights of some unknown city glimmer just over the horizon, barely visible. As the words fade — “true” the last one to disappear — and the haunting orchestration swells, a single car appears, dwarfed by the nature around it but inexorably driving towards its goal. Its headlights might seem like the light at the end of the tunnel, but its driver is far from a civilized presence here to illuminate the night.

This is our villain, Lorne Malvo, a coldblooded contract killer who leaves chaos in his wake wherever he goes. Malvo is no man, but an apex predator, a wolf, a comparison he himself enjoys making. He’s skilled at putting on a charming face when he wants to, whether playing a harmless pastor, a caddish dentist, or a quippy wanderer. Yet, the wolf lingers beneath, unsettling all who glimpse his true nature. Like the series itself, which is in fact completely fictional, this dissonance between exterior presentation and interior reality creates a sense of narrative distrust and suspense. Fargo itself is predatory in the way it preys on audiences’ fascination with truth. Nothing is what it seems, which makes Malvo and the show alike all the more dangerous and unpredictable.

Malvo’s duplicity and underlying malevolence are mirrored by the setting of Fargo. Most of the season takes place in the Minnesota cities of Bemidji and Duluth, whose wholesome, friendly Midwestern façade and pristine, snow–covered landscapes are undermined by the dysfunction which lies beneath. Fargo’s “antihero,” hapless insurance salesman Lester Nygaard, is similarly deceptive. A broken washing machine’s brutal thumping is our first sight and sound of the Nygaard household, before the camera tilts up from the basement to Lester and his wife Pearl in the kitchen, and it immediately foregrounds the dysfunction of their marriage and Lester’s capacity for malevolence — hidden underneath the floorboards, but violently pulsing, ready to explode.

Fargo presents a rather bleak outlook on human nature and fate. Frequent establishing shots of the Minnesotan wilderness signal that this is the animal kingdom, for all that its characters live in towns and work 9–to–5s. The camera often crouches animalistically behind objects, whether they be snowdrifts or steering wheels, giving the impression of a stalking predator or cowering prey. In the world of the show, doing good is often a pointless quest in futility and one chance encounter can loose the raw, animal savagery lurking beneath a veneer of civilized humanity. Lester and Malvo meet entirely by chance in the hospital and by the end of the pilot, Malvo’s sinister encouragement has driven Lester to kill his nagging, domineering wife, bashing her head in with a hammer after a fight. And so begins Lester’s move up the food chain. He is now both predator and prey, and struggles with this dual existence for the rest of the season.

At times, Lester is cold and calculating, tampering with crime scenes, evading the police, and eventually pinning Pearl’s murder on his brother. But he sometimes reverts to a bumbling coward who can never quite shake off the suspicions of Deputy Molly Solverson, the hero to Lester’s antihero and Malvo’s villain. Throughout the season, Lester wears a bright orange puffy coat, the lurid color resembling that worn by hunters to avoid shooting each other. It simultaneously marks him as both hunter and hunted, a predator and a sitting duck, with no hope of blending in with the stark, muted color palette.

By the season finale, Lester has seemingly transformed from failed salesman to successful alpha male. Following a one–year time skip in episode 8, he’s remarried to the adoring Linda, started his own insurance shop with a slick, masculine façade, and wears sharp blazers and dark–colored turtlenecks. But his past is inescapable and Malvo soon returns to Bemidji to murder Lester, setting in motion a sequence of events that ends in both their deaths. After Lester injures him with a bear trap, Malvo crawls away to his rented cabin to recover and is shot dead by a former police officer, Gus Grimly, who has been lying in wait there. Gus had previously tried to have Malvo arrested, only to have Malvo threaten his daughter Greta. His triumph over Malvo is a triumph of family man over callous killer, of law and order over a vicious predator. Yet Malvo dies as he lived, sowing mistrust and suspense. Neither his severely injured leg nor Gus’s initial hail of bullets are enough to do him in and it takes two bullets to the face to exterminate his threat once and for all.

Malvo’s death also unearths the truth of Pearl’s murder, sending Lester on the run. He dies two weeks later, after running onto the thin ice of a lake in Glacier National Park. In contrast to Minnesota’s flat open landscapes, Montana’s mountainous wilderness is claustrophobic, closing in on him. In truth, he has been on thin ice this whole season and his fall — shortsighted, self–inflicted, and accidental — is a thematically appropriate conclusion to his story. The natural swallows the human, in a trope oft–employed by the Coen brothers (creators of the 1996 movie the series is based on), warning the audience that compromising morality is a slippery slope.

Fargo’s ruthless message about the fragility of humanity is strengthened rather than softened by its seemingly paradoxical happy ending. In a nod to the original film, the show’s last shot frames a pregnant police chief, this time Molly Solverson, her husband Gus (the officer who defeated Malvo), and Gus’s daughter Greta. The only family to survive the season with every member alive, the camera lingers on them curled up together on the couch, watching TV — a happy family, a slice of Americana, a reassurance that at least some good guys have a happily ever after.